Thursday, December 27, 2007

She should have been the one

Could she be the one ? Every thing seems so perfect about her. Have I found the girl I was looking for all this time ?

- Wake up Al
ice !

Huh ! As my boss pulls me out of my delightful day dream I realize that I completely forgot to do what he asked me. How could I focus anyways ? With the night I just had... I still can feel her skin on mine. I want more of her, tonight, I will. What time is it? 2h30 pm... God ! This day will never end.

- What the hell's wrong with you today ?

What's wrong with me ? I'm stuck in this shit hole while an angel's waiting for me in heaven, so you can go fuck yourself for all I care, boss ! Alright, relax... Take a deep breath... You have to work on that temper of yours, you have no reasons not to be happy today. Even though you are, you wouldn't want her to think that you are an impulsive and edgy bitch now would you Alice ? Let's be polite and say something nice, don't forget to smile :

- Sorry boss, I have things on my mind right now. Don't worry, I'm on it.

- Come on now, we don't have all day, this should have been done this morning.

4h00. Free at last. A quick jump at my place to shower and change. I must have smelled like sweat and sex all day.

As I walked up the stairs to her apartment I found myself feeling nervous. Is my hair ok ? Have I to much perfume ? I should not have put on this shirt, it makes me look to skinny ! Damn I forgot to put my contacts on, she'll think I'm ugly with my glasses ! The door opens, there she stands, magnificently. I'm inches away from the kiss I wanted to have all day.

I've been at her place for 2 hours now, we are still at the table. Our plates are empty, the bottle of wine to, she opens another one. We've talked for hours, about the world, about love, hate, sex, crimes, art, politics... We are exactly on the same wavelength. I haven't connected with anybody like this in years :

- Will you excuse me Alice, I'll be right back.

- Alright, be quick !

She smiles as the bathroom door closes behind her. This girl is amazing.

She comes back, walks behind me and gives me a kiss on the back of the neck. Chills run down my spine. Can life always be like this ? She sits back on her chair. She's is so gorgeous.

But suddenly I noticed something. What was that you just did with your mouth ? What's wrong with her eyes ? You haven't... There it is again ! This tic. You didn't had that before. And then she officially blew her cover, although very subtly, she inhaled in this way... The signature of a coke head that just had a line.

No. No... please tell me I'm wrong ! Please tell me that this didn't happened !

- What's wrong Alice ?

I'm speechless.

- Alice ?

- You are high on coke aren't you ?

I caught her by surprise. She finally admits it. But, of course, she's not an addict. Yeah right ! I don't know any casual users that just goes for a quick sniff in the middle of a conversation.

- Does it bother you this much ?

- I'm a coke addict that have been clean for 2 years... I can't be with a user... This makes me have to choose between you or me. It's going to be me, I'm sorry, I could of loved you. I have to go.

Tears are running down my cheeks as I got back to my place.

Fuck You ! You Fat Fucking Butch !

15 years old.

I'm a popular high school girl. Although not the beautiful kind of girl that boys lined up behind, but I'm dealing weed and I play drums better than most boys did, these 2 attributes made me look very cool.

I am able to pull off what seems to be an impenetrable aura of self confidence, an absolute state of control over my own self. It works... really well !

People have been impressed by me before and I noticed.

I loved this feeling.

It is a drug.

And I'm using this ability to survive throughout the teen world.

I'm in the school's cafeteria. And there it is, third table on the right : This, obviously, out-of-the-closet, dyke. Oh ! What a prey !

Me and my friends called her "La Licheuse" in French, "The Licker", if you need an English translation.

La Licheuse is having a sandwich with one of her, probably, fag friend. Well, not probably : any one that is with her is automatically gay... No nuance is relevant here anyways ! You know how this works... Right !

She was always quiet, but in a weird way. Not shy... but estranged from human kind. There was something about her approach of situations, and let's not talk about her mannerisms.

So there she is, having lunch. I'm thirsty and as I got up to throw a buck in the soda machine I realize that she is standing behind me... I turn around :

- Don't you fucking look at my ass bitch !

She paused... and then replied :

- It's not your ass that I was looking at but at the way in which you elegantly bought a pepsi.

What the fuck is this dyke talking about ? Is she fucking flirting with me ?

- Why don't you go fuck yourself ! You fat fucking butch !

The insult didn't have the expected result, it didn't seem to really shock her. She, simply, tilted her head to her left and then looked at me... Don't look at me like that... I'm searching for something to say, I can't find anything... and she continues to stare... She suddenly becomes very impressive to me. She keeps looking, as if she was looking for something... Why am I scared ? Her eyes will not break, they will not get off of me... I'm terrified... And there she is...

Peering right trough me,

Gazing at my naked soul...

She knows !

She knows who I am,

My super-aura crumbles,

And here I stand,

In front of my own homosexuality... and my future best friend.

Boys and Girls

Why the hell am I here ? Again !

Strobing lights. Loud bass. Hundreds of gay guys, dozens of straight girls, a few bi gals and me ! It's 5h00 am.

I feel this vibration going through my body, gently massaging the inside of me. The extacy's fading out, the speed will follow soon. I love this feeling. I want it to last forever.

I know that nobody will be able to talk to me for the whole week to come without me being rude, impatient and angry for no reasons. For days, I'll be this repulsive and stupid bitch. It's always like that. Like last time, this will be the last time I do these toxic drugs... until my next last time...

I'm sitting on this sticky fake leather couch. This girl has been looking at me for a while now. Your not my type baby. Sexy, but not for me. Here she comes... How is that possible ? Girls never come to me. She's walking in this very feminine, coquette way. She sits right next to me, smiles then says :

- Hello sexy boy !

What ? And what's up with that voice ? I can't believe my eyes, I can't believe my hears... This girl is actually a guy that thinks that I'm a man to.

Eloquently... Naïma

Naïma was a friend of mine.

Gorgeous Algerian girl, she spoke the most elegant French I have ever heard. Every thing that she said sounded like a poem. Every sentences stood out. Softly and gracefully.

Her ability in building stories where outstanding. You had no choice but to shut up and listen to her while she would, eloquently, describe the hearth shattering beauty of her native country.

- Majestueuses, mes amours... Mes montagnes. À perte de vue... Comme je m'ennuie de Vous !

While mourning the mountains that sculpted the landscape of her childhood, she would literally transport you there. Bringing Algeria right into your living room.

- What ?

- I'm a lesbian Naïma.

I never saw her again.

I miss you...

Au revoir, Mon amie... Naïma. O, Comme je m'ennuie de toi !